Crush

Yes, nagka crush din sa wakas, finally normal ako. Last friday, I had this training and then I saw this guy, he’s not that super gwapo and all. He is freaking bossy nga eh but he has this kind of charm na nakakaattract. May bago akong crush, ayiieeeee

Pero hindi ko na sya makikita and he’s like heaven at lupa ako. Anyway, nag stalk na rin ako and he is single,sa itsura ba naman nya na un. I actually stared to him sa training, baka naman kasi makuha sa tingin kaso niiwasan nya ako, FOCUS! that what he has.

Oh snap, sana naman di sya bading, nauubusan na ko ng lalaki sa mundo dahil sa mga bading but anyway, he looks straight namn but very blunt…. As in

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Iyakin

“Iyakin” is a tagalog slang for cry-baby. Well, I am one of it. I cried again and my eyes are now swollen, I can imagine tomorrow, the puffiness is going to explode.

Anyway, I am getting emotional this days and maybe this is because of the PMS and all the hormonal imbalances of my body.

Any how, I cried because I feel that I am not appreciated by what I do. I cried because I feel weak and I feel that I am just trying hard to fit it. That feeling of being left out and out-casted.

The tears run dry and I am now harvesting the fruit of it.. The big swollen eyes.

But one thing I hate it about it is that I feel terrible that in this human world, adult can’t cry in public because people will think that they are weak and they are immature and all those low grade kind of person. Though, I always think otherwise because people who show their weakness are the strong one. They are the brave one who accept that they cry  just like a normal human being. I hope the stereotyping of this humanly world will be gone but I think I better play my part for the mean time.

I will never stop on crying in public, I will never suppress of my emotion. I will laugh hard, sing and dance out loud and show the world that human needs to have those qualities to be able to live the  life to the fullest.

For me, crying is not a sin, no I will not be a shame of shedding some tears and fighting for what I believe is right.

Now that the storm are calm and everything seems back to normal. Let’s smile again and welcome a great tomorrow.

 

A ghost and me

Someone is ghosting me indeed. Last November 11 2017, I got another panic attack and this one is a bit creepy. It all happened while I was sleeping in a transient house in Baguio. It was a fun night and a great day but that evening, I just slept for about 1 hour, I wake up breathing heavily and something heavy is at my back. I feel so afraid that I dont know what to do and then the attack happens.

I think another thing that trigger this is the noisines of a non sense drunk who keeps on blabbing some stupid jokes. I really hate the noisiness of the whole room and a whisper of a judgemental eyes.

After that attack, i went back to normal without knowing how they response, I just knew that they are laughing hard and I feel so insulted but maybe I was just possessed by random ghost because while it was happening to me, I feel so irritated and wanted to get the first trip to manila and shut the effin mouth of the noist drunkard jerk.

Anyways, I’m back to normal and things will pass by like the clock passing by every minute.

To make story a bit creepy, the attack happened at exactly 3am. Ooohh, is that a devil’s hour?

Expectation Failed

Siguro nag expect lang ako sa kanila na they are different. They are mature enough to know the right thing. Hindi sila un mga duwag na tao na natatakot na maging outcast sa current nilang group if they do the right thing.

Siguro, nag expect lang ako sa kanya, pero hindi pala sya un friend na kailangan ko. Madali pa lang syang madala ng iba. Madali pa lang syang mahila, parang isang sunod sa uso na walang pupuntahan kung di ang pag bagsak.

Ganun siguro sila.

Dissapointed ako sa kanya, ni hindi man lang nya nagawang bigkasin ang salitang maligayang kaarawan. Nasayang lang ang oras ko sa kanya pero siguro nga nakatakda ang lahat upang makita ko ang tunay nyang kulay.

Isang kulay na mapag balat kayo, isang dahon sa agos ng ilog na walang pupuntahan.

Binigo mo ako, isa kang pag kakamaling hindi ko na babalikan.

A 28 years old me

Hey it’s me, the older self. It’s quite fascinating how time flies and things just happened slowly then boom its become a reality.

Recently, I celebrated my 28 years here on earth and I’m quite emotional that each year, I’m getting older and closer to the end goal of existence. But what is life here on earth, a lot of things are happening, I know I shouldn’t be here, typing, I should go immediately to a doctor and have myself tested because my body as time flies is getting weaker. Though, I am at a prime of my existence, I am getting closer to a 30 years old me and I wanted something to happen, something magical or extraordinary.

I am just an ordinary average Jane living a provincial life and striving to work in a city but who am I really, what are the things that I really wanted. I wanted it to be simple but we are human and human are complicated creature and they are meant to be complex.

Last 26th of October, I celebrated my birthday and it was the most memorable one. My room mate celebrated it with me, welcoming it at exactly 12 midnight. At lunch, my team mate treat me with a sponsor lunch and a cake. Before I leave the office, my good friends, who stick with me through thick and thin, gave a bouquet of roses, that was another first. I was so happy that I am afraid that something bad may happen but I know I am no longer the driver of my life, I leave it up to the Almighty God above. I still believe in miracle, really.

Recently, I becoming paranoid, thinking that death is following me around(too much watching of K-Drama Black), I let the negatively of life destroy my happiness. This is what I felt when I rode the bus back to my province.

But at home, I feel safe and happy. There is no pain, just pure comfort. We celebrated it on a weekend, with my brother brought a cake. This is another first that I didn’t buy my own cake. I am so afraid really but it’s the reality of life, what ever happens, life goes on and so the generation of the future, maybe us will move forward.

Change that is only certain thing in this world. Nothing is permanent and I hate to face it but I have to face it.

Not as a 28 years old adult, not because I need to, not because it was given but because I already, slowly accepted those  are fact of life.

 

I cried

Attachment is what I always fear. We are just a temporary being in this beautiful world. Things will change, yes indeed. I feel so weak and afraid to know the truth and to find the ending of this extraordinary life.

I heard it all, those rants and chaos of yesterday and what I have is a foot forward toward undying life stories of a love unknown to many and beyond.

I think I cried because I am afraid, too crazy and fearful against the unknown, the disease is dragging me down.

I have a lot to give up

Lately I been hearing about a lot of cancer news and all those deadly diseases. I’m scared and freaking out as usual, getting paranoid and all with those kind of news. I mean, a super health buff person is having such disease and it was really ironic.

Now, I think, it’s time to give up on all those poultry product and dairy. I think I have to totally embrace nature and be one of them.

It’s a big decision by I think it is worth to dive in.

I will move to a plant based diet

I have to give up my love for bread and chicken and all those food.

I have to plan it perfectly and I know I can survive this after all, with those news I am really terrified.